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The Biscuit.org.uk FAQ is maintained by Andrew Horton. v. 1.02
Where do I obtain biscuits?
Who makes biscuits?
Are Cookies Biscuits?
What are biscuits made from?
Do I have to be old to bake biscuits?
Can I try biscuits before I buy them?
How do I bake a "Geordie Biscuit"?Where do I obtain biscuits?
From shops and old people's homes.Who makes biscuits?
Old people who are locked in biscuit production houses.
Are Cookies Biscuits?
No. Cookies are a way of storing small amounts of information in your web browser, stupid.What are biscuits made from?
It depends on your taste. Some like biscuits made from dead people, whilst others prefer a more savoury bite. See our Biscuit recipes page for further information on how to make biscuits.Do I have to be old to bake biscuits?
No, but it helps. We have found that people of the older persuasion generally bake a better biscuit.Can I try biscuits before I buy them?
If you are attempting to purchase your biscuits from a supermarket, we suggest that this is not a good idea. Shops generally take a low view of anybody who attempts to open a pack of jammy dodgers before they have paid for them using some form of currency or sexual favour. However if you happen to come across a "Taster session" at your local supermarket, where small amounts of biscuits are on a small table ready to be sampled, then feel free to try them. Unfortunately we here at the Biscuit Appreciation Society have found that there is invariably a person of questionable knowledgability in the field of biscuit baking and tasting techniques overseeing these Taster Sessions, making sure that any one person does not take more than their fair share of biscuits. However, we have developed a 3-step foolproof plan to make sure that we have more than enough of these sampler biscuits (They are usually of top quality, in an effort to persuade people to buy that particular brand of biscuits).
- Gather together at least 6 family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers over the age of 50 and of the female persuasion.
- Whilst hiding the rest of your elite squad of biscuit nabbers, send one person at a time to grab as many of the tasty delights as possible, and then run back to "base" (Usually the meat isle), depositing the biscuits in a suitable disguised bag or container, to keep them fresh until consumption. Do not pile too many biscuits on top of one another. This will only lead to crushed biscuits and disappointment.
- Go home and enjoy the biscuits, getting rid of as many family members, friends, acquaintances and strangers you have gathered in your quest as possible. After all, why would you want to share a perfectly good biscuit?
We have found that using this never-fail plan never fails in succeeding to get well over 100 biscuits. Use it as many times as you like. Except in any supermarket in which the Biscuit Appreciation Society might be operating. If you find that the meat aisle is already full of conspicuous looking biscuit nabbers, get off our turf immediately. We don't take kindly to competition.
Many people have asked us if using this method of acquiring biscuits, is, in fact, illegal. We can assure you that while you should never take biscuits directly off the shelves of a supermarket (unless you intend to purchase them using the methods outlined above - currency or sexual favours - of course), supermarkets expect to have biscuits on the "taster session" table stolen. If this were not the case, the supermarkets would be placing signs which read "Please feel free to try our bourbon creams, but people found tasting or otherwise consuming these biscuits will be prosecuted." above the taster session tables. You know it doesn't make sense.
How do I bake a "Geordie Biscuit"?
Whilst you may have heard that a Geordie Biscuit is a particularly sweet and tasteful delicacy, it is in fact Cockney Rhyming Slang for "If you don't watch out I'll nut you so hard that you'll have a lump the size of Jimmy Hill's chin on your head. On the other hand I have been known to look at men in an admiring way before, especially ones with girly looking hair, but if you tell anyone I'll staple your b*****ks to a lamp post and use my dumper truck to drop you and the lamp post into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades"**Rough translation - the entire definition can be found starting on page 53 of "A Dictionary of Common Colloquialisms", and ends on page 267.
